


Caring for your new Snake 101

by BartyJnr



Category: Good Omens (TV), Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Crossover, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), Wings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:42:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21824602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BartyJnr/pseuds/BartyJnr
Summary: They need a period of adjustment during which they can get comfortable with their new surroundings. The length of time required varies, but most people who deal with snakes agree that it generally takes 5 to 7 days.During the adjustment period, you should make every effort not to disturb or otherwise stress the snake.
Comments: 49
Kudos: 339
Collections: Good Omens, Lucifer





	1. Chapter 1

_They need a period of adjustment during which they can get comfortable with their new surroundings. The length of time required varies, but most people who deal with snakes agree that it generally takes 5 to 7 days._

_During the adjustment period, you should make every effort not to disturb or otherwise stress the snake._

Lucifer frowns softly, reading over Chloe’s shoulder for a moment, before his need for knowledge over takes him. 

“You’re getting a snake?”

“What? Oh. No, not really…” Chloe twists in her seat to look up at Lucifer’s curious face, “It’s not ours. Trixie’s class has a pet snake and over summer whoever has the top stars gets to choose either looking after it or someone else to look after it. Trixie’s decided she’s looking after it, so obviously I need to learn how to deal with a snake very quickly…”

“You seem nervous. It’s only a little snake, they’re not too hard to deal with.” He shrugs lightly, cocking an eyebrow, “I can come and settle it if you wish…?”

“Oh if you would, that would be wonderful! I didn’t know you’d had snakes.” Chloe lets out a soft noise of relief, “It’s the feeding I’m queasy about. Luckily it doesn’t eat live, apparently… Tonight then?”

“Of course, Detective. I’ll see you at seven.”

The Decker household was usually quite a tranquil place (apart from when Lucifer ‘broke in’ and caused ruckus), however when Lucifer pulled his corvette into the driveway behind the Detective’s car, he frowned at the soft crying he could hear from within. Jumping into action, he immediate lets himself in to find the Detective consoling her spawn lightly near the newest edition to the room, a four foot vivarium. He slowly makes his way over, watching as the Detective nods towards the tank, which currently shows a nice looking set up, with a sunning rock, a water pit, lots of shrubbery and a tipped over hiding house with an upside down snake. 

Lucifer frowns before letting out a soft laugh, slowly opening up the tank to prod at the snake’s belly, shaking his head, “Is this what has caused this upset?”

“She’s deeaaaaaddddd!!!” Cries Trixie, diving her head back into her mothers stomach as Lucifer picks up the snake via its tail, twisting it around in the air lightly, grinning slightly. 

“Lucifer, _what the hell_???” Chloe hisses at him, watching with a very angry face, causing Lucifer’s eyes to widen before letting out another laugh. 

“The snake is not dead. He’s pretending. Look.”

He waits until Trixie’s face peaks from her mother’s stomach, and waves them both towards the table to show the snake slowly lowered onto the table. “Ready? Now watch.” Quickly he twists the snake to be the correct orientation, smirking when the little snake flips itself back around to show his stomach, mouth opened and little forked tongue lolling out. He repeats the action a few times, the snake reacting the same each time, even twisting when lifted into the air. 

“The snake is not dead. He’s just pretending because he’s a scaredy-cat.” He moves the snake back to its tank, lowering the house to allow the small one to settle itself down in the dark. Once he slides the windowed door shut, he grunts and freezes, his middle attacked by a sudden sniffling child. 

“Thank-youthank-you-thank-you!!!!” The Spawn chants into his stomach, seemingly ignoring the frozen state of the Devil, “But she’s a girl and she’s called Rosa, like Rosa Parks!”

“It’s from her history class… I’m not entirely sure on the story on how it appeared in their class, but I think the short version is the history teacher rescued it, his flat doesn’t allow pets, so he named her a historical figure and used it as an excuse for a school treat.” Chloe shrugs lightly, moving off into the kitchen and returning with three cups of cocoa, “Now let go of Lucifer and drink your cocoa, it’s bed time.”

During Chloe’s short story, she had noticed Lucifer frowning towards he tank, his head tilted slightly as if listening to the snake. She decides to wait, figuring it would be easier to wait until Trixie was in bed, just incase he was going to give some sort of bad news about the little snake. 

Sometimes, or rather most of the time, Lucifer wishes that people would believe him. For believing him for always telling the truth and yet won’t believe that he’s the Devil. It made explaining that the little Snake from school was actually a sort of most likely male Demon very difficult, though listening to the little snake complain about being found out for his act was rather humorous. 

The complaining continuous most of the night, as the two sit and drink cocoa, watching some TV and generally chatting about nothing in particular. It was an experience Lucifer had never really had the chance to enjoy, never having had enough trust in a person to sit and relax most of the time. He finds himself distracted randomly between sentences, his head tilting softly as the snake hisses on for a few moments before silencing again. 

“Alright what?” Chloe pushes at his knees softly with her feet, currently curled up on the sofa by a reclined Lucifer. She regrets questioning it really, not really remembering a moment that he had looked so relaxed and at peace. 

“Oh, nothing. The snakes just complaining.” He says it with a flourish of waved hands, and a shake of his head, smiling lazily, “It’s just funny to hear. Nothing to worry about.” _’I hope’_ he thinks, not voicing that part until he can find out more information about the little demon snake. 

They go back to chatting, Chloe returning with more drinks of a more adult manor, Lucifer slowly relaxing enough for his eyes to drift closed. The next thing he knows its pitch black, there’s a blanket surrounding his body and the snake is complaining on its heat lamp. As silently as the devil can, he moves to the tank, looking over the back of the little snake, giving a little gasp of surprise when he spots the very faint marking to the top of the snakes head. 

“You’re bound as a snake?” He speaks quietly, not to not scare the snake, who whips its little head around, fangs extending in warning of strike from behind the glass, rather to not wake the Detective or the child, “That’s why you’re complaining, I’m right, aren’t I? You’re a Demon.”

 _”Assss Ssssaatan I thhhought you would tell in an insstant.”_ the snake grumbles softly, curling itself tight into a protective ball on his sun rock, _”Are you going to kill me now?”_

“Why would I kill you?” Lucifer frowns lightly, tilting his head, “I’m not even sure I know who you are. And its not like you’re possessing anything right now… So as far as I can tell right now, no harm, no fowl. Unless you’ve killed any humans as this little snake, then there will be issues to deal with.”

 _”No, no one struck, no one bit, no one killed, ssswear it, my Lord!”_ The snake rushes out, raising itself slightly to bow its head in a show of some sort of submission (or the equivalent that a snake could show), giving Lucifer another good look at the marking. 

“You know, I could break that binding.” He gives a hum, tilting his head lightly as the snake looks back sharply, “I would need some form of promise from you, if we were to make this deal though.”

 _“A deal with the Devil?”_ If a snake could smirk, Lucifer was pretty sure it would be right now, causing him to roll his eyes lightly. 

“Yes, snake—“

 _“Crowley.”_ The snake hisses out, tucking its head under its body in an attempt to hide as Lucifer slides open the Vivarium. He can feel the little snake shudder in his hand, even as he attempts to carefully handle the balled up creature, carrying it over to sit it on the table before seating himself back on his blanketed sofa. The back of his mind tingles at the name, but he can’t quite put his finger on why. Though Lucifer would be the first to admit he had locked a lot of his Hellish time away in his mind. 

“OK then Crowley. This will burn, and I’m going to trust you won’t make a noise louder than those hisses.” He smirks lightly as the snake shudders before lengthening itself out, accepting Lucifer’s thumb to its head, pressing into the mark, causing it to glow and the snake to hiss out in pain. The Devil notices the glow spread throughout the snake, so releases is press, watching as the snake grows to the form of a very lanky, skinny, male (called it) looking human. There’s a harsh grunt of pain as the limbs slowly stretch out from lack of… well, existence, before the eyes flicker open, yellow iris glowing lightly, slit pupils jumping straight to Lucifer’s. They flick around Lucifer, tongue flicking over his lower lip softly, obviously trying to get a feel for what Lucifer expected from him right now. 

“You’re going to have to replace the snake. Make it friendly and female. As close a match. ASAP. Go. Make sure its done before morning. Then meet me at Lux. Here.” He reaches into his inner pocket, rolling his eyes when this ‘Crowley’ winces with his movement and holds out a business card. “I’ll let the bouncers know to send you right up. Avoid Maze, if possible. Shoo.”

Apparently this was enough go ahead for the Demon to make a dart line for the door, leaving a slightly smirking Lucifer behind to curl back into his blanket. As much as he hated hell, maybe he missed the little things, bossing around Demons for his bidding seemed quite high on that list.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is OK!

_”Jusssst remember to be as nice a snake as you can…. “_ Lucifer awakes once more to the quiet hissing, _“No biting, no… well, don’t do things that will scare the children, mostly. They’ll feed you, pet you, play with you… they’re rather good at it by now.”_

Slowly, the half asleep devil pads his way towards the tank which now holds two red bellied, black snakes. 

“Well done on finding your doppelgänger, Crowley.” Lucifer yawns, stretching his arms out to his sides before raising them above his head, spine curling lightly. Crowley watches this from the tank side, wiggling his way (smoothly, with poise), until his snake self lay half looped within the tank, half dangling out towards the drop. “Need a hand?” Lucifer smirks lightly, holding out a hand towards the snake, suppressing the small shudder as the scales coil around his arm, “I’m hoping you took this form on your own, and that I didn’t fail with my curse breaking?”

He moves them back to the sofa, watching the demon snake uncoil before stretching and lengthening, twisting back into the ginger man looking demon he had become earlier. 

“Yes, this time was my own vocation. Won’t lie and say I was slightly concerned I may get stuck again, but it was the easiest way of communicating with the other snake.” Crowley tucks a hand into his jacket, pulling out his glasses and sighing softly when he pushes them on, “Much better.”

“Now wait,” The Devil reaches out, pushing the glasses back down slightly with a frown, “Did I not fully break this curse? Why are your eyes still like that?”

“That… no.” Crowley frowns in return, leaning back into the sofa, away from the hand, shoving the glasses back up his nose, “That’s just how my eyes are. The curse feels broken… gone. I can’t even feel any residual energy, which is nicer than the usual ‘wait for it to burn off’. Your miracle must have been powerful, my Lord.”

The title stop Lucifer for a moment, making him raise from his seat and pace a little, “Ok, 1- Don’t call me that. Call me Lucifer. 2- I’m going to need more of a reminder about who you are. But not here. I’m sure I told you to meet me at Lux.”

“Ah, well, yes, you did M— Lucifer.” The demons hands wring around themselves nervously, his tongue darting across his lip lightly in what only reminds Lucifer of his other form, “I tried not to awaken you, but you are a light sleeper… and technically its not quite morning yet..”

This gains a bark of laughter from Lucifer, as well as a roll of his eyes, “Alright well, you can ride with me. Let me just leave the Detective a note and we’ll be on our way…” Lucifer wanders off towards the kitchen, digging through some draws before looking back towards the none moving Crowley, “Go sit in the car, Crowley.” 

Crowley isn’t entirely sure if Lucifer meant it as a full command, or just a suggestion, but he also wasn’t willing to annoy the Devil by anything more than just existing. He was still confused why   
Satan hadn’t just smote him for being a demon in general. Even more so that he was attempting to help Crowley. He figures, if he can get a message out to Aziraphale at some point, then at least he can maybe get rescued, though getting Aziraphale involved with Lucifer ( _again_ ) is rather low on Crowley’s to do list. Making his way outside quietly, he takes a second to decide which of the two parked cars would be Lucifer’s, grinning lightly at the licence plate of the Corvette. “Falling One (FALL1N1), very clever… nice to see he has a sense of humour.”

“Is that a surprise to you?” Crowley’s heart leaps, the demon spinning to stare at Lucifer’s sudden reappearance. Meanwhile, the Devil just smirks, moving to the drivers seat and cocking an eyebrow, “Come on then, demon. Time for our chat.”

The ride was quiet, all the way until pulling up and by a two block queue, all of whom seemed to recognise Lucifer’s car and cheered. Crowley can’t help but sink into his seat slightly, twisting to stare at the grinning devil. They pull up to what Crowley assumes is the entrance, Lucifer already throwing the keys to a Valet, along with a small roll of notes. A small panicked scramble later, Lucifer and Crowley are entering a lift, one very calm, the other incredibly uncomfortable about the small space. 

Luckily for the demon, its only a few tense minutes until a very large penthouse appears. Crowley can only imagine what this place must be like with the sun up, and as a snake demon, he is very tempted to attempt finding out. That is, of course, assuming the Devil doesn’t smite him right here, or send him (everything forbid) back to Hell. 

Lucifer has taken this chance to grab a decanter of brandy, along with two glasses, moving around the bar to grab some ice. Two drinks poured, he pushes one across towards Crowley, the demon grabbing said drink reflectively. 

“So, I guess we’ll start with _‘What the Hell?’_ ” 

“I, err…” Crowley swallows, before taking a long sip of his drink. If this is going to be the end, he may as well enjoy the expensive smelling brandy first, “I may need a slight touch more.”

“Who are you, why are you here, why were you cursed, who cursed you, how long were you cursed, why are you on Earth in the first place?” Lucifer rambles all his questions off, holding up one finger for each question. 

“Right, yes, well… I’m Crowley, I’m _here_ because you told me to be, I’d imagine I pissed someone off for the cursing, I have no idea who it was, I think its been maybe a year now, and again, I’m here because you told me to be.” Crowley equally rambles, ducking his head once more to drink, jumping slightly when the decanter reappears to refill his glass. 

“I never told any Demons to come to Earth… well, Mazikeen, but no one else.” The words have a soft growl to them, “I would suggest not lying to me, but I would think a Demon would know better.”

“I’m not! You sent me to Eden to tempt the humans… You told me to _make some trouble_! So that’s what I’ve been doing.. for a while.” The last is mumbled off, a hand running up and through his hair nervously. “You never said I had to return, so I just… didn’t. And I couldn’t now anyways.’

“And why would that be?”

“Well last time they tried to bathe me in Holy water, so I’d much prefer not too.”

That gets him a hard stare, many thoughts running through Lucifer’s mind before shaking his head and deciding to file that little tidbit away for now.

“Alright, so lets say, _Hypothetically,_ I don’t remember much from near the fall, nor do I particularly want to, I send you to Eden to _make trouble_ … that would make you the snake. Oh! You are literally the snake!”

Lucifer spins, laughing to himself as he starts to pace behind the bar, Crowley’s eyes following from under both his frown of confusion and glasses. To say the Demon is confused by this reaction is to say it very lightly. The only thing Crowley can tell for sure is that this is definitely Satan, the Devil himself, the energy and power he can feel emanating confirms that. It makes his hidden wings itch, wanting to mantel both to protect himself and to sublimate himself, not that Crowley himself entirely wants to hand himself back over to the fallen Angel that had basically caused his own downwards _saunter_. 

“I—I’m not quite sure what you’re wanting me to say here, My Lo— Lucifer.” Crowley tries, holding up a hand to admit his own blunder, hoping for no anger towards it, “I have lived on Earth for over 6000 years now. After their attempted murder, I haven’t really even done any temptations at all.”

“Rewind to Eden please. Because I know I tempted Eve. And Adam, come to think on that.” 

“That was earlier. You sent me once you fell. I… well, I was after you. Adam and Eve already had some ideas, but the fruit was still hung. I just.. gave them a push. Angel helped too— shit. Ignore that.” 

“What Angel?”

“I said—“

Hands slam to either side of Crowley, Lucifer pressing up behind him, hands indented into his own bar as Crowley freezes up, “ **What. Angel. Crowley.”**


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unsure how well this flows, but I had to get something down. Lemme know!

Crowley has a few milliseconds to feel the fingers string through into his hair to twist his face enough as to not take the entire impact on his nose. The hand shifts slightly to the side, still pinning down while leaving enough room for Crowley to see the glowing red eyes. Not that the eyes stayed in vision very long. The hand moves once more, around the back of Crowley’s neck and suddenly he’s flying through the air. Twisting hard, the demons back slams into the wall, yanking a grunt from him. He doesn’t have much of a recuperation time before Lucifer is back on him, hands around his neck, feet dangling just above the floor. 

Hands scrambling for purchase, Crowley does the only retaliation he can think and begins to elongate his body, making sure to curl his newly formed tail around Lucifer’s waist, lifting him just the same. He can feel the slight strain from the weight, but not enough to stop him from hissing into the Devil’s face. 

“Well. This is kinkier than I expected.” 

Both the Devil and the human sized snake heads spin to stare towards the elevator, staring at the newest demon who casually leans to the side, flipping a knife. 

“Do me a favour, snake. Put the Devil down, or we will have a much bigger issue.” 

Hissing once more, he slowly lowers Lucifer back to his feet, fangs bared until the devil also releases his hold. Dragging himself back into a human form, Crowley gives a cough and rubs his neck, watching Lucifer wearily. 

“So-“ Lucifer begins, moving back to grab another drink, “You can be a big snake too. Learn something new.” 

“Did you really think I went to Eden the size of a grass snake?” Crowley slides his way onto a sofa, still warily watching Lucifer, whilst also keeping an eye on the newest demon to the room, trying to pin point who exactly this was.

“Who’s the snake?”

“Maze, Crowley. Crowley, Mazikeen.” Lucifer waves a hand between the two, smirking, “Or, if you prefer, Snake of Eden, Mazikeen of the Lilim.”

Mazikeen enters the room fully now, moving closer to Crowley with a tilted head, “So, kinky sex?”

“No, Crowley has a secret Angel he so happily decided to mention.”

“Oooohhhhhhh, interesting!”

Crowley shakes his head rapidly, “Not interesting! Not interesting at all! He was just a guardian, that’s all! Had to get past him, managed it, got Eve and Adam all interested in everything else, bobs your uncle, all done!” 

_”Bobs your uncle_? Really? I might have an English accent, but that doesn’t mean we need to use all of that lingo.” Lucifer tuts, moving to sit opposite Crowley, “OK, fine, I apologise, but you can probably understand that _Angels_ are a touchy subject.” The _for me_ isn’t said out loud, but Crowley definitely heard it, mind racing faster than the speed of light to figure out ways of hiding his Angel from the literal Devil. “So. Eden. Then what did you do, if not return to Hell?”

“Well, for a small while, I would. Pop down, pop up… got to a point where I was more up than down though.. rather quickly really. Just.. seemed.. better.” He shrugs, trying his best to look nonchalant about the whole experience. Hopefully this would sedate the king of the underworld plenty, Crowley would be able to slip out, and get back to his Angel (who better be worried about him or else).

“So why is it you are so terrified of me?” Lucifer smirks, letting some hell fire slip into his gaze for a moment. Nope, never mind, maybe it wouldn’t sedate the Devil at all. 

“You’re….I mean, you’re basically my boss, and here I am, being stuck as a snake for a year or so? Thought maybe… probably you’d be mad.”

“Lie.”

“What? No!”

“You’re lying. Not about that particularly, but you’re hiding.” The words are partially snarled, Lucifer leaning elbows onto his knees now, eyes flaring fully, “I. Do. Not. Like. LIARS!” His voice deepens, more a command than statement and Lucifer can see how it effects the demons in the room, Mazikeen’s head drooping lightly whilst Crowley practically balls up. He’s fighting the pull, so the Devil ups his power of persuasion a touch, baring his teeth, “You should tell me why, Crowley. It’s for the best.”  


“Ithoughtyoudkillmefortheapocalypse!” The sentence comes out in a breath, Crowley’s eyes shutting as he practically squashes himself back into the sofa. 

“I’m sorry, what Apocalypse?” 

This one stumps Crowley, bringing his snake eyes to focus back on the Devil, seeing the other being’s head tilt in confusion. Well, wouldn’t this just be a lovely death? How does one explain to the Devil that he has a son and that one of his Demons with an Angel best friend helped stop the end of the world? Probably not by passing out in fear on his sofa. Maybe someone should have let Crowley know that first.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is ridiculously short, but I sort of lost my way, and the general stress of the world currently has been on me. I hope its OK :/

“I’ll give you £400. Last offer!” Crowley sing songs at the older lady, waving a newly miracled wad of money across the table with a smirk. The lady, dressed to the nines in anything and everything that jingles even without movement does not look pleased by this. 

“The price is four _thousand_ Mr Crowley. If you offer so low then you do not understand what I have here.” Wrinkled hands move to pull the black wooden box from between them, only stopped by Crowley slamming his hand on top of said box. 

“Oh, I know precisely what you have here, which is why I am certain that it is not worth as much as you believe.” He gives a laugh, making sure to pin the box to the table. The box is covered in symbols, seemingly un-openable. It isn’t the box, of course, that is of Crowley’s attention. More so the book it contains. A book thought to have been completely wiped out, which spoke of Angels and Demons, Satan and his Fall, The Truth of Sodom and Gomorrah, to name but a few. Curses, rituals, bindings and spells. None of which Crowley wanted within the grasp of humans, angels or demons, but somehow found himself buying for Aziraphale. Not that his Angel knew he was making this deal in the slightest. Though the way this negotiation was (or rather wasn’t) going, the stupid book wasn’t making it out of the lock box ever. 

Of course, the book and box end up within Crowley’s possession. Or rather, within the ridiculously excited Angel’s possession.

——————————————————————

“THE BO—OW!” Crowley shoots to a sitting position, promptly making solid forehead contact with the Devil, who had been leaning over the demon whilst placing him into the bed Crowley finds himself in. Clutching his head, Crowley whines, blinking to see the Devil rocking backwards, away from the bed also clutching his head.

“What the _Hell_ Demon?!” The Devil calls out, rubbing his now red forehead, frowning at the Demon doing the same.

“There was a Book! An ancient book… I took it to the bookshop…” he frowns and shakes his head, “I can’t remember what happened after, but I assume my predicament was caused by that damned book!”

Lucifer stops rubbing his head to stare at Crowley, eyebrows drawn close in confusion. A Book? What book could do this? Time to look through his collection, he supposes. 

“Look, you just take a nap. Give me a general description of what the book is and I’ll take a look through my collection, see if I have a copy or something of reference.” 

After a quick run down of the very basic looking old, brown, leather bound Tomb, Crowley moves to curl under a given blanket, sighing lightly at the comfort and heat that pulses through him. A nap was the best idea he had heard in a while. 

Lucifer moves from the room as soon as Crowley curls up, starting a hunt throughout is collection, pulling down anything he can remember having any form of incantation or curse surrounding transformation or demon trapping. Since when Crowley fell, along with a lot of demons turned from fallen angels, his form changed to an animal (in this case, a Snake), Lucifer is currently in the mindset that this book must be about trapping Demons or Celestials into their lesser forms. The Devil himself felt slightly lucky in this regard, since his other form tended to stick at a burned up version of himself. Slightly more dragon like, he supposes, leather wings, talons and such, but not something that could be related to the word _lesser_. 

Grabbing himself a glass, a decanter of whiskey and a few of his picked books, Lucifer makes himself comfortable on his sofa and starts to flick through the books.

——————————————————————

The light shining through the open balcony door windows manages to complete blind Lucifer when he jolts awake upon hearing his called out name. The demon is crouched at the table, also flicking through one of his found books, albeit a lot more carefully that he had been last night. He meets yellow eyes until an eyebrow cocks and his head nods backwards, towards the lift. 

“Detective!” Lucifer grins, jumping to his feet and pacing towards Chloe quickly, making sure to put himself between Chloe and Crowley, giving a quick glance back to see the demon pushing on his sunglasses from seemingly no-where. Bloody miracles. “Do we have a case?”

“No, I just saw your letter and wanted to check in on you. I see now it was just a—“

“Oh- **OH** , no, no, no Detective! This is just Craw-eh, Crowley. An old… acquaintance who has a little bit of memory issues currently. Just trying to find here he came from this time and ship him on back!” Lucifer grins, happy enough with his round about truths. 

The look on Chloe’s face, however, worries Lucifer slightly. 

“So, you have a friend with Amnesia, who is seemingly lost, and you didn’t think _Oh I know exactly what to do, I’ll contract my friend who is a **Detective** with access to a Police Data Base and see if she can help me help my friend_???” The badly done English accent, as always, makes both the Devil and Demon wince lightly, the Devil more so when the Detective moves to slap his chest. 

“Ow! Chloe stop hitting me!”

“Ah, to be fair on him, miss…” Crowley attempts, giving a half smile whilst turning to face the two, “We seem to have different memories on our last meeting, so we’ve been…. Talking. I would, however, appreciate a helping hand in contacting my A— roommate.” 

“I’m sure we can do that, if you remember names and places, numbers at a push?”

“I know his number.” Crowley smirks lightly, pushing his glasses up his nose securely, “I would appreciate the time to chat with him. Maybe figure out how I ended up in America, for a start…”

Lucifer lets out a whine, practically stomping his feet like a child, much to the surprise and amusement of Crowley. “ **Fine** let’s go to the station, Crowley can call his— his— whoever and they can come collect him.” Crowley jumps back when Lucifer’s hand swings up to point into his face, “but I still want answers!”


	5. Chapter 5

“Alright, alright, I’m coming, hold your horses!” Aziraphale sighs, plodding his way from the back room, through the shop, to his phone, slumming down into his seat whilst picking up the handset, “A.Z Fell and Co, how may I help you?”

“Yes, hello, I’m calling on behalf of a…” Aziraphale frowns lightly at the scuffling and mumbling sound, followed by a loud laugh and sighs. 

“If this is a prank, I’d like you to know I am waiting on a very important call regarding a missing persons.”

“Anthony? Anthony Crowley.” Time must be frozen. That is the only explanation for Aziraphale inability to move, speak, react… “Sir? Are you there? This is Detective Decker with the LAPD, we have a Anthony Crowley here who is claiming to have been missing for a long period of time and unsure on how he even made his way to Los Angeles, but would like to know if you can—“

“I will be there in a few hours!” 

——

“Did he hang up? He hung up didn’t he?” Crowley shakes his head softly, “What did he say?”

“That he’ll be here in a few hours.” Chloe replies, slowly lowering her phone with a slight frown. A normal person would probably question how it was only going to take a few hours to get from the United Kingdom to Los Angeles in _a few hours_ rather than the usual Eleven to twenty hours depending on lay overs, but once you’ve met Lucifer, she guesses all of the usual assumptions fly out the window as fast as they can fly half way across the world. 

“Perfect! Until then, do we have a case? Or shall I take Crowley back to the Penthouse for a calming drink?” 

In all honestly, to Crowley it seemed like he was being used as a Lucifer chew toy by the Detective. What a perfect excuse to get rid of the six foot something toddler for a few hours, chiming in with “I’ll pop over once your friend arrives!” Whilst practically shoving them out of the station. Turned out the drink was actually a competition on whether Lucifer could beat out his celestial powers and actually get drunk. Crowley, of course, joined in, and annoyingly (to Lucifer, at least) end up slumped up giggling at Lucifer’s attempts. 

Hours pass, the two ex-Angels collapsed together, a plentiful selection of bottles surrounding them. 

“I told one of my jets to put a call out for your _roommate_.” Lucifer grins, downing another bottle, stilling when he sees the complete confusion on Crowley’s face, “What?”

The Demon snorts lightly, tilting his head, “Why would an Angel need a jet?”

The second the the words fall from his mouth, Crowley freezes, eyes locked with Lucifer’s.

“Are you telling me,” Lucifer growls out, hand tight enough around a bottle neck for cracks to splinter through the glass, “That I just invited an **Angel** into my home?!” 

“Well— I mean— Technically yes, _buuuuuuut_ ‘Zira isn’t what you’ll expect!” He waves his arms around, shoving himself to a more upright position, “He’s… he’s… we’ve been… it’s been 8000 years….”

“Eight thousand years…?” Lucifer moves to match Crowley’s position, both swaying slightly, “You’ve been dating since _Eden_?!?”

Dating? Dating? Who said dating? Where they dating? No… right? Can’t be. Right? Crowley’s mind reels, eyes blinking rapidly at the Devil, who now rocks back to the slumped position, laughing and clutching the bottle to his chest. Why was this so funny? Three seconds ago, the Devil was ready to rip his head off, and suddenly he’s laughing. Bloody mood swinging Devil’s.

“He— _no_! It’s not like that…” the mental _I don’t think_ was rather evident to all in the room really. Luckily enough, Crowley finds himself saved (perhaps) from more humiliation by the lift humming into life, lights flicking as it carries someone up towards the floor. 

Both Ex-Angel and Ex-Demon gather themselves, Lucifer frowning as Crowley shudders hard, ‘de-alcholising’.

“Neat trick.” Lucifer mumbles, picking up the now refull glass of brandy, giving it a tentative sniff and a half hearted shrug, “Strange that you’d need to… is this fine to drink?”

“Y—Yes?” He’s quickly distracted by the sudden gasp from the lift, a wide eye’d Aziraphale seeming to be unsure on whether to run away from the Devil or towards Crowley. The latter wins out in the end, with the Angel quick marching to the Demon, taking a solid hold of his elbow and yanking him towards the lift. “Woah woah, Angel, stop, relax!”

“Relax? **Relax**??? You scream my name, and disappear in a puff of smoke, leaving a giant black stain on my carpet and you want me to _relax_? You’re lucky I’m not discorporating you! 10 hours on that jet, Crowley. TEN.” Aziraphale pants softly before wrapping his arms around Crowley’s leith form, the Demon quickly going from relaxed, to stiff as a board and slowly slumping once more towards the Angel. “I missed you, you stupid Demon.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Do you promise?” 

“Detective!” The Devil sounds back, in a higher than expected tone, “What do you take me for?” There’s a brief silence, in which the seated Demon and Angel continue to stare at one another, before they can hear the Devil’s sighed response, “Fine, yes, I promise. They’ll be fine.”

“Will we, Crowley?” The Angel mumbles, crossing his arms across himself, frowning at the reclined demon, “Will we be fine?”

“He hasn’t killed me yet, and he found me in a tank, locked as my snake form.” Lanky shoulders shrug, an eyebrow raised, “Though that was before I dragged an Angel to his house, and admitted we may have stopped the apocalypse, so who knows, probably not, we’re probably dead, Aziraphale we should really be running right?” 

“Calm down, demon.” Lucifer grins, positively prowling back towards the seated pair, a new decanter in one hand, three glasses held between the fingers of his other, “I just want to talk.” 

The Devil sets about pouring out the three glasses, eyeing how close the two across have sat, practically glued at the hip. He’s surprised the long slim limbs of his demon aren’t crowded around the angel, or mantling him with wings yet. The overall look is protection, and how the Demon hasn’t noticed his fondness of the Angel is completely beyond Lucifer. Then again, Lucifer has always been for the _sins of the flesh_ as his Siblings used to say… possibly still do say. 

“In all seriousness, Mr—“ The Angel stutters slightly, realising for a split second he has no idea what to address the devil as, without sounding rather offensive, “Look. We’re doing no harm, we’re not on either _side_ , as such, anymore…”

“See that’s what has me interested!” Lucifer leans across the table, smirking, “What would make an Angel and a Demon not only Team Up, but actively refuse their own? And it’s Morningstar, but do just call me Lucifer.”

He settles himself back into a overly comfortable looking seat, crossing one leg above the other and steeples his fingers above his chest. Crowley can’t help but feel slightly cowed by the figure before him, the being was still technically his superior, no matter how much he denied. The anxiety crawling throughout him feels immense, his heart like it will bust from his chest, and it probably would, were it not for the comforting, slightly squeezing hand of his Angel to his thigh. Aziraphale on the other hand feels like he is doing quite well at hiding his own anxieties, masking them with a cold anger, still unclear on the full story of how Crowley came to be in Lucifer’s home, or why the Devil wasn’t outwardly attacking at this moment. It all screamed trap, and yet didn’t. 

“So, how do we start this, hmm? Shall I tell you my tale, and you can return with your own?” Lucifer grins again, cocking an eyebrow to the two, not really waiting for an answer before speaking, “We shall stick to a short version. For the entirety of humanities existence, I have popped to Earth, looked, played, generally meddled until being chased back to Hell, mostly by Amenadiel. Around 9 years ago, I decided to make my stay permanent and made my big brother a deal he couldn’t refuse. Quite literally. I bought up this place, built it up, made Lux. I’d say six years later, the Detective appeared in my life and since then I’ve been helping her solve crimes in L.A.” His shoulders shrug lightly, the grin remaining in place whilst the two before him frown deeply. 

“That cannot be so.” Aziraphale mumbles, twisting to look at Crowley, “That can not be true—“

“I dislike the notion of being called a **liar** in my own home, _Angel_ ,” The word is spat from Lucifer as he leans himself, hands on the table once more, the grin completely wiped from his face as his eyes flare red, “Be wary of your words.”

“You promised us no harm.”

“No, I promised the Detective _I_ would do you no harm.” The emphasis is clear for the two. Crowley’s nervous swallow can probably be heard from the club below. 

“Aziraphale didn’t mean anything negative,” Crowley attempts, giving the scowling Angel a light glare in return, “Only that your… _Story_ doesn’t quite mesh with our own. Unless you are purposely excluding certain events.”

“Oh?” The Devil takes the chance to take a long swig from his tumbler, “Like what?”

“Like that little bit of _Apocalypse_ you tried to bring about, a year ago?!?” Aziraphale challenges, trying his best not to flinch when Lucifer near on spits his liqueur across the table. 

“I’m sorry, what now?” There is a bubbling laugh beneath the words, as Lucifer grimaces and removes his pocket square to wipe up around his spill, “How ridiculous. But please, continue. This sounds interesting.”

Sighing deeply, figuring he may be the best to go forwards with this story, Crowley slips his hand into Aziraphale’s, fingers tightening around the counterparts. He starts with a quick retelling of the Antichrist’s delivery, his dropping off onto the Chattering Order of St Beryl, and general escape from doing much in the way of Hell’s wanting from then on. He mentions of the off hand that they (himself and Aziraphale) had always seemed to wind up in the same places, and hoped that the complete side mention of their Arrangement wouldn’t be noticed. (It was. It so very was.)

He skips years, to get to Warlock, explaining that they thought they had the right boy, but it somehow turned into a bait and switch sort of ordeal, feeling slightly confused when he looks to see the corners of Lucifers eyes crinkled in amusement. Pushing past that, Crowley continues on with his catch up, until they get to Tadfield and Lucifer’s apparent and abrupt arrival, being stopped by the growl from said self.

“The embellishment is not needed, thank you very much.” Lucifer stands suddenly, causing Aziraphale to mirror him, standing between the affronted Devil and the very much quaking Demon, “I know my other self is not all that _pleasing_ to the eye, but I know very well that I am not _’Five Hundred Foot tall’_ , thank you very much! Nor do I have horns, a tail, or—“ He stops his rant a moment, quickly thinking back to the last time he was in his full form before sighing softly and mumbling, “Maybe I have the claws…”

“Lucifer, we saw you. We heard you. _Adam_ banished you—“

“Back to hell, said the Star Wars trope ‘You’re not my father’ and poofed out of existence, yes, you’ve said all that, but it simply can’t be true.” Lucifer growls out lightly, “And I have never visited Tadfield, never mind their Air Base!” 

There is a silence, or there would be if it wasn’t for the heavily breathing Devil in the room. They give him a few moments, Aziraphale watching cautiously, whilst reaching back to check on his Demon. The Angel crouches by Crowley, slipping his glasses down enough to see the completely blown snake eyes and sighs deeply. 

“OK, so we have conflicting histories. Maybe we should take calmer steps to understand more, rather than yelling and getting upset. I propose that we take a short break, gather ourselves, calm down, and reconvene in, lets say, an hour?” 

The devil nods, scooping up his drink and downing it, “Yes, alright. Down one floor is a large office space. Feel free to use it as a… lets say, Safe space, shall we?” 

“That would be appreciated. We shall return in an hour.” Aziraphale nods in return, raising back to standing whilst tugging at Crowley’s hands, “Come on, Crowley. You can catch me up on where you’ve been.” They make their way towards the Lift, before stopping, Aziraphale turning to face Lucifer once more, “If we were to order food, where might we have it delivered?”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll get a selection sent to you.” His hand slips to a pocket, returning with a mobile, surprising Aziraphale that little more. He may not use them, but he certainly knows of their existence, though the ease of which Lucifer taps away seems to give the air that he definitely knows how the device works. Maybe the Devil wasn’t lying about having been on Earth so long, but how? There’s a tug on his hand, Crowley pulling him into the arrived lift, and its all the Angel can do but to watch the Devil chat away on the mobile as the doors slide shut. 

“What if he’s not lying, Angel?” Crowley mumbles from behind him, Aziraphale turning to look at the confused looking Demon, no doubt looking just as confused himself, “The Devil doesn’t lie, Angel. It’s been his schtick for— well, ever, really. He’s all for free will, why would be lie now, about this?”

“I don’t know, Crowley. We have to be missing something. Lets talk about your disappearance. Maybe there’s a link?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. My plot bunny buried itself somewhere and I had to train a dog to retrieve it. It’s back, unharmed and hopefully locked in its cage where it should stay until I get it down on paper now.

Aziraphale had always thought the whole ‘not lying’ bit must be just that, a bit, when it came to the Devil, but by Crowley’s reaction, it seemed to the Angel that it may well be accurate. 

“So he never lies?”

They’ve settled themselves into the office space, sitting each end of a desk to snack away at the food, which arrived not ten minutes after they had made it into the room. It’s big, spacious, but Crowley dislikes the lack of windows to the place, whilst Aziraphale had immediately bee lined for the stacking library shelves but was slightly disappointed to find out they were mostly legal or law books. 

“He doesn’t lie outright.” Crowley mumbles lightly, reaching to scratch at the bridge of his nose lightly, feeling strange already not to have his glasses on, “He omits if he wishes, but he doesn’t come out and just say a lie. So he may not give you information, but he won’t actively tell you knowingly incorrect information.”

“Hmm.” Aziraphale takes another fork of food, chewing thoughtfully, “Alright, so you’ve mentioned being stuck in your snake form?”

“I can’t remember disappearing. I think it took me a little while to even remember I’m not just a snake, if I’m honest. When I came back to myself, I was already in a tank, being checked over by a veterinarian, and moving into a classroom. Not a great vet, mind you. Completely misgendered me.” Crowley sighs, rolling his eyes lightly with a smirk towards Aziraphale, who in turn almost spit takes his mouthful of food. 

“ _Crowley!_ ”

“Alright, fine, maybe I wasn’t displaying.” They both laugh, before relaxing back in their seats. 

“And Lucifer saved you?” Crowley nods in answer, giving a quick run down of his breaking of the bind, replacing of the snake, partial fight and his small dream. “You fought him and he didn’t kill you, that’s got to be a good thing?”

“Well, good if you don’t count in his Demon who looked ready to gut me for just being in the room… or sleep with us, I’m not entirely sure which.” The demon is frowning lightly, head tipping from side to side whilst thinking about it, “What are you thinking then?”

“Honestly?” Aziraphale cocks his eyebrow, watching for a nod from the demon opposite, “I’m thinking we get Adam here and see what sort of reaction that causes.”

“You— You’re thought is _bring the child to meet the Devil_???” Crowley’s eyes are about as blown and wide as they could possibly go, jaw hung in shock.

“Do you have a better idea? A si-“

“No, we’re not doing that again, stop it.” Crowley cuts off, glaring, “Why?”

“Why?”

“Angel, I swear— _why_ do you want to bring Adam into this?”

“Because if there’s someone we know with Earth Bending powers, it’s him. If our timelines don’t match, and the Devil doesn’t lie, then something is wrong… or there’s some massive plot happening that we aren’t aware of…”

“Just blame Head Wanker.” Crowley grumbles, the name coming out more as a _huw_ than a name, causing Aziraphale to squint, his brain slowly piecing what Crowley had said before tutting and shaking his head, “I’m sure we could get away with blaming him… don’t dare say _’He’s not that bad’_ , I can see you thinking it, Angel.”

A soft chuckle escapes the Angel, his head still shaking softly before sighing lightly, “Alright, we go back up, ask for a suggestion on a place to rest, then I’ll pop back to England, explain the situation to Adam, and see if I can convince him to come and meet up with Lucifer. I’m sure if I leave you here, he’ll agree to come…”

“Don’t send him in all Saviour Knight, please.” Crowley groans, rocking back in his chair, jolting when the chair almost tumbles, “I could do without another Apocalypse attempt.”

The ride back upstairs is quiet, the Angel and Demon standing very close to one another and stepping out together to meet back with the Devil, who stands staring out over the balcony, a tumbler in one hand and a open book in another. Upon hearing the ping of the elevator, Lucifer slowly turns, taking a long sip of his drink, the book slowly closing. 

“All settled? De-stressed?”

“Finished yelling?” Aziraphale bites back at the devil, looking more shocked at himself than Lucifer looks. 

Lucifer smirks and waves a hand towards the sofa, nodding softly, “I shall attempt to hold my tongue a touch more than I have.” 

There are already two glasses and a decanter full of brandy waiting on the table, along with a platter of cheeses and chocolate. They slowly take to their seats, Crowley sitting closely tucked into Aziraphale side, Lucifer once again sitting across from the two. 

“So, I’ve thought over what you said, and how our timelines are not linking in the slightest. I have a few thoughts, mostly that someone is pretending to be me since I left, but I can’t imagine anyone being able to pull off a hundred foot… monster, I suppose.” Lucifer rambles, pausing to drink again, leaning back into the seat. 

“We may have found another option, but I will need to pop back to England to confirm something.” Aziraphale returns, being purposely vague, “Is there anywhere nearby we could stay, rest up?”

“You can stay here. Down the passage there, pick any room, or rooms if you wish. They’re all furnished, use anything and all you wish, most have small on suites, its all they claimed to be able to fit. Or you can use my main bathroom if you wish, I don’t mind.” Lucifer shrugs lightly, pointing down back past his own room entrance where a small hallway could be seen if looking for it, then back through his own room towards the bathroom that way, “Come get me if you need anything. I’m going to pop down to Lux for a little, if you hear anything, do yourselves a favour and don’t come knocking.” 

He smirks lightly, rocking himself to his feet, wandering off into his own room, leaving the two to their own devices, though not for very long. A now shirtless devil reappears, waving a book off towards Crowley with a grin. 

“This look like the book?” 

Crowley’s eyes flick across the book, shrinking away from it lightly with a nod, “Yeah, I think so.”

“Don’t worry, just don’t read it out loud and you should be fine… though I think whoever read it in the first place might have mis pronounced what they aimed for. Probably disappointed that their new pet never showed up.” He laughs lightly, before turning to leave the two again, pausing slightly to frown back over a shoulder when a loud gasp escapes Aziraphale, “Yes?”

“Your back—“

“Oh, that.” The Devil smirks and waves a hand lightly, “Just where I cut them off, no worries.” And with that, he wanders back to his room, leaving the now slightly traumatised pair staring at the space once holding the Devil. 

“Definitely not the same Devil.” Crowley whispers, blinking heavily, “Come on Angel, lets sort some space out for ourselves.”


	8. Chapter 8

“Angel-“

“I don’t know, Crowley.”

“But-“

“You should rest, Crowley.”

The demon is already slumped up against the bed rest, and hasn’t particularly moved since the Devil’s back reveal. Aziraphale can understand the shock, since he’s feeling a lot of it himself. How could an Angel remove his wings? Humans go through such trauma when loosing limbs, and here was the most feared Angel taking his own away? Removing power from himself, for what? 

“And what are you going to do?” Crowley rumbles, slinking further into the overly thread counted sheets. 

“I’ll fly home, talk with Adam and be back before morning. Possibly with him, if I can convince his parents into a little… vacation.”

“Maybe skip the devil part, might be a bit easier to convince then.” The Demon would never admit to giggling, defiantly not, if anything it was a manly chuckle, for sure. 

Aziraphale smiles lightly, tipping his head slightly at Crowley, watching him get lower until he’s completely flat on the bed, eyes drooping. He collects the folded blankets, shaking it out until it covers the now softly snoring man before his wings shake open and he flies from the room. 

“Wakey wakey!” Crowley awakes suddenly, head shooting up to stare at the Devil now leaning in the doorway with a smirk, “Where’s the Angel? I expected to find you two love birds all snuggled up.”

Theres a solid second in which Crowley replies, stops, blinks sleepily before realising he was back in his medium snake form. The thought makes it into his brain at about the same time that Lucifer is already answering his hiss. 

“He left you here? Wasn’t the entire point of getting him to you so that you could also go home?” Lucifer shoves from the doorframe with a sigh, “Well, as long as I’m not going to walk in on him in my shower or something. Coffee’s on the counter once you decide to have opposable thumbs and limbs…” and then he’s gone, leaning a slowly stretching demon snake in confusion once more. 

Crowley doesn’t waste too much time on meandering his way to the coffee machine, starting to hunt the cupboards for any form of tea for Aziraphale’s return. How can the Devil swoop around, throwing out a British accent, and not own a single teabag or kettle? Sighing deeply, he returns to making his own cup of coffee, figuring that he can just request a cup be ordered in from somewhere to appease his Angel if needed. Cup of steaming coffee in hand, Crowley wanders to the sofa, grabbing up the book that had apparently cursed him and starts to read, figuring he has nothing better to do. 

It doesn’t take very long to come across what he supposes is the passage which was messed up. 

“ _Om ‘n toeteldier demon te skep…”_ Crowley stops, shaking his head lightly, what is he doing? Don’t read the demon curse out loud when you’re the only demon in the room, silly snake. He jolts slightly when the pages rustle at the reappearance of Aziraphale, wings quickly folding away to show another held tight to his chest. “Adam?”

“Hey Crowley!” Adam grins, stepping away from Aziraphale’s hold, doing a slow spin and a low whistle as he checks out the room, “This place is _nice_!”

“Thank you, child.” 

All three jump at the fourth voice, turning to stare at the Devil as he moves across the room, grabbing himself a whiskey.

“Isn’t it a little early?” Aziraphale cocks an eyebrow, eyes skipping between Lucifer and Adam to watch the boy’s reaction, whilst also ignoring Crowley’s warned hissing. 

Lucifer however seems to find the jab humorous, grinning as he paces closer to the three, watching Crowley move into a more protective positioning, the boy now positioned slightly behind and between the Angel and Demon. “What is it the morals say? It’s 5 o’clock somewhere? I think a more important question would be who _else_ have you brought into my home, unannounced?” There is a slight growl of annoyance in his tone, but not enough to panic… well, not enough to panic Aziraphale, Crowley was a bundle of nervous energy at her best of times, never mind around the Devil.

“I’m Adam— your son.”

If he didn’t know better, Lucifer would believe that Amenadial had made an appearance and frozen time, if it wasn’t for the boy slowly stepping around the frozen celestial beings. Adam moves forwards until he’s practically toe to toe with Lucifer, who in turn takes a small step back, frowning down at the boy.

“No, I do not have children.” Lucifer snorts, shaking his head.

“Well yes, that is true.” Adam nods in return, “Not you, per say, but you all the same.”

“What? What is that supposed to mean?” Lucifer’s face scrunches as he flicks his gaze between the still advancing boy, “Does he always speak in stupid riddles? Also will you **stop**?!” 

“I, by point of fact, am the Anti-Christ, son of Lucifer, the Devil… the supposed bringer of the Apocalypse…” Adam sighs deeply and stops moving, crossing his arms, “But not quite _you_.”

“No, you’ve still lost me.” 

“Alight, so I don’t _exactly_ know what I did—“

“Adam!” Aziraphale and Crowley call out at once, sounding very much like a married parental couple. 

Aziraphale moves to place a hand on Adams shoulder, gaining a slightly thankful look from the Devil, “How about we all sit down and try to list out what we know against each other, hmm?”

_  
• The Devil runs a nightclub in LA.  
• God is male?  
• Gabriel is still a dick  
• Somehow, Michael is also a dick  
• Weather seems nice_

__

“God is male?” Lucifer mumbles, frowning deeply, “Well of course he is, we wouldn’t call him father, otherwise, would we?” 

“We know her as a she.” Aziraphale replies, watching as Crowley shrugs and nods in agreement, “She spoke with me whilst I guarded the gate.”

“Riiiiight…” Lucifer drawls lightly, frowning deeply at the ever growing differences.

“If it helps, our Michael is also female.” Crowley smirks lightly as Lucifer jolts and laughs.

“Alright, that may make it all worthwhile.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In all honesty, this has been sat mostly done since I posted the last part, but I’m just not sure on it... and I’ve sort of lost my way with my own plot. I’m hoping it reappears.


End file.
